This Is Life

Middle in the night I’ve finished watching Vampire Diaries Season 6 Episode 14. Caroline’s mom is dead, not of any supernatural incidents but to natural death.  Yes, ironically most of the dead incidents happened in Mystic Falls are related to vampire/werewolf/vengeance between supernatural beings, while having bunch of extraordinary supernatural friends including her own daughter, Sheriff being the most ordinary amongst passed away in the ordinary way.

Not to be too dramatic but I dislike the atmosphere of this situation. This is the fact we must face in our daily life. People born and dies in every single seconds - people we know , or strangers. I felt pity and sympathy to those who lost their loved, but at least there’s still somebody besides, siblings or friends or own family member (Husband/Wife).  I feel scared as when the same situation applies to me, I don’t know who else will be at my side. As the only daughter in my family, having not much friends with people I loved do not love me, I actually had no one.

I can be considered as quite an independent person living my own life since I was young. I have no siblings to talk to, and having strict family restrictions (over protection), I have no chance to grow up and explore the outside world until I started my university life. And that’s the time I learnt the most painful life lessons, which I then believed life is much more better spending alone rather than to tolerate and gave your best still you are the un-important.

Not having a close relationship with relatives as well since I seldom will join in especially when not of the same age and when everyone have grown up.  People around will have their own cycle and even friends are the same. You could not expect someone not of the same blood to spent time and share everything endlessly with you. What’s the point to speak out as audience will always stay audience and can’t do much to resolve.

I am afraid, that when someday my only rely had left me, what kind of life will I have after that? No more daddy fetching back off work, no more home cooked meal awaiting when back home, no more people will hear your nagging about life around, no more love. Even I enjoyed my lonely life, but still there will always be someone behind which is my parent that support the most. I couldn’t imagine how am I supposed to continue my life thereafter. I am afraid of the darkness as I will never be the last to switch off light before sleep every night, and even I did I will pretended that I am calm and walk slowly through the dark staircase before could reach my room. The fact is, deep inside my heart there are thousands thoughts recalling back the scary moments when I watched horror movie. Yes, they are just my imagination and what happened in movie will never come true, but I still scared.

Life is tough when you grew up and have to worry your old aged parents. It’s a complicated feeling caused you love your parents but you do not know how much time you still able to spend with them. You can’t plan for any further future due to the uncertainty and at the same time you are afraid of the unplanned future they are about to leave you with.

爸爸

爸爸，這名詞是那麼的溫暖
曾經小時候牽起你手帶著你一路扶持
從不會走路的小嬰兒到搖搖欲墜的騎著腳踏車
那是一個多麼溫馨的畫面

對我而言，我對爸爸這名詞既愛又恨
我愛有個疼我的老爸
我恨我是這老爸的唯一女兒

明明已經說好我今晚會出門他也都點頭答應
我梳妝完畢坐在客廳玩電話打發時間等人來載我
時間一分一秒走著
當時鐘指向十點時，他的神經質就開始爆發
一堆不堪的言語什麼夜鬼啦濫交啦做妓女啦去過夜生活啦
原來在他眼裡我是會去過這樣生活的一個人

請你摧心自問我活了24年，有多少次在晚間出門
沒有，這還真是第一次
你又再摧心自問，我有多少次超過晚上10點回家
也沒用，因為就算我遲回也總會趕在你到家前回到

多少次，為了這老爸我推掉了多少邀約
不要說晚上出門，平日白天他在家的時候我根本沒能跟朋友外出
一會兒說等下被人打槍啦，車禍啦，亂駕車亂泊車中警察發票啦

我問他，試問你活了60多年你有那麼乖8點放工回家坐在家裡吃飯睡覺第二天再去上班那麼規律嗎。
沒有，因為他自己就可以晚間10點出門，去喝酒聽歌甚至上雲頂賭博
而我因為是女孩，所以不可以
因為女孩比較吃虧比較危險

是的，若我是男孩就可以咯，不吃虧嘛不危險嘛
是的，男孩就不會被打槍被雞奸就不會死的

我問他，為什麼別的女孩就可以又不見得家人阻止
他說，你不要拿別人來比較
別人的孩子多死掉一兩個無所謂

是的，因為我是你唯一的女兒，所以我不能死
是的，因為別人的孩子多，所以死掉一兩個是可以接受的


我興致勃勃的打扮好原本雀躍的心情頓時沒了
我叛逆的說，既然你自己做不到夜間不出門，為何我就不能
好啊你醬愛去就去不要等我忍到不能忍爆發你就知道

其實我不喜歡這樣
每次恐嚇會打我剎掉我，揚言很多家庭悲劇就是這樣引致
是的，每每他這麼說我總會害怕
那語氣那不堪的粗口那兇狠的態度
的確，他是頭瘋一時發神經就出言不遜
可我就不喜歡這樣，那會是一種陰影很難受

原來，獨生女是不需要有朋友的是不需要交際的
我恨為何我是他唯一的女兒
多麼希望可以有個哥哥姐姐或弟妹·
至少到時我只會成為沒關係孩子多的死掉的其中一個沒人會管

我只是想去體驗下晚上聚會的感覺，沒門
或許我該堅持，既然都裝扮好乾脆就當個聾子聽不見出門去一了百了
但我始終顧及他的過分擔憂臨時取消了邀約
我不想開始一場戰爭，亂戰，不敢想象回到家后等著我的是什麼

眼淚無聲流下，我不想激動的大聲的吵
原以為我會很激動的痛哭大鬧，但我沒有

原來就算我長大了出來社會做工了我始終逃脫不了爸爸的束縛
多麼想離開這個家，自己一個自由自在的在外邊生活
就如當初我逃到金寶唸書般，那無盡的自由
就算我整夜不回家玩通宵也不會有人管我
可回想起那種在外頭的委屈，孤單，其實家裡是不錯的

選擇嗎，該怎麼選
自由或是溫暖
我不會選

我就只是一个被你操纵在手里的傀儡罢了

生活

2014年的第一篇博客

自告別了大學生涯就沒那個時間坐在電腦前發文抒發情緒了

忙碌也有它的好處，至少有些東西可以寄託而不是腦袋空空在胡思亂想

 

踏入了工作生涯我卻懷念起了唸書的時刻

再也不能隨心所欲的想幾點起床才起

再也不能找藉口曠早課再用另一個時段的課來補回

再也不能拿著學生證到K場用學生價唱K

每天太陽還未爬起就起床準備出門

到回家時也差不多太陽就要下山了

呆在辦公室裡頭感覺好似不見天日的

對著電腦接著電話處理下文件一天就這樣過去了

很慶幸實習完畢業我能留在同一家公司同一個部門

同事們其實都很好也有舊同學在一起工作我還能奢求些什麼

只不過自認為我的英語還不夠流利

應對客戶我就會開始緊張說話有點亂

看來我的歷練還是不夠成熟需多多吸收練習

本打算要好好修一修商業英語卻奈何暫時存不夠學費

近日又被我搜一搜發現了不錯的法律文憑課程

Certificate in Litigation Practice & Procedure

Certificate in Conveyancing Law & Practice

都跟我的工作有少數關聯

說真的現在的工要跟律師打交道難免會有點壓力

畢竟我不是很了解所需走的法律行動詳情和步驟

跟她們通話會感覺自己很愚蠢

進修下是好的也能提升自身的競爭能力

是時候想老爸撒嬌借一筆錢來繼續進修了

別擔心我會慢慢分期付款的嘛絕不白借

真煩惱所有的一切都是為了錢跟錢有關

吃飯娛樂消遣交通費所有都要錢

又要存錢去旅行啊再來就買車買屋的

還好暫時我的舊車還能繼續操作無需浪費多一筆去供車

屋子嘛在這個時代的房價我是負擔不起啦

dreamed car dreamed house?就繼續remain as dream啦

人越長大卻發覺之前的生活的期待是多麼單純天真

你不得不面對現實接受人類自私貪婪的一面

每天上下班等著地鐵火車看著人來人往

你會發現那無形間流露出的人性

在累了一整天之下回家的那刻人們不再裝懶得裝

你推我擠互不相讓爭先恐後的就是為了能找個好位子坐下

儘管有著孕婦小孩或老人你只需閉上眼裝休息就是了

人性本善嗎

我們曾經都是一片白紙

只不過社會這染缸實在太過渾濁

而為了在社會上生存你不得褪去那潔白把自己融入染缸里

一切都變得那麼的理所當然

一天回來最開心不過的就是看著她搖頭幌尾的在門前迎接你

前腳一踏進門裡她就會熱情的瘋狂的舔著你圍著你繞

無可否認狗兒的確是人類最要好的伴友

可偏偏有些人竟會狠心地對待伴友

虐打忽略遺棄甚至是捆綁烹煮

這是一個什麼世界請別問我

因為我也不知那答案

你呆在家裡不安去，會有劫匪闖入

你駕車外出不安全，除了劫匪還有路霸或是無妄之災

就連一個在跑步的人都會無端被擄走拐帶然後被姦殺棄尸荒野

以往媽媽曾被打劫，匪徒只會拿刀威脅然後命令交出財物

事發后媽媽還收到匪徒郵寄回來的證件及身份證

現在嗎匪徒還未開始打劫就會揮刀先把你砍到

或拖挾著你在馬路上直到他們得手完全不顧你的死活

人性嗎？現今的社會上早已絕跡

我不明白活在這世界上還有什麼意義

越漸發展的世界流失的卻是人類原始的善

這樣生活真的很累很難過

我看不透

也不想去懂

想法。事實。成功

上了大學后，我才知道什麽是直銷
從來都沒接觸過所謂的直銷事業
單純的大概知道direct sales這職業
不就是售貨員嘛，而且是有Target那種


去年上網認識了一個人
我就純粹爲了打發時間找個人聊聊
後來不知怎麼的會交換了電話
而幾個月後的某一天收到他的信息求幫忙
說什麼參加了化妝班，畢業那晚需要找人做模特給他畫
反正在家無聊就OK咯

反正跟不認識的人出門見面我早已習慣，沒什麼
那晚，他來載我。車上還有一位女生
一路上塞車，簡單介紹后我們就聊了起來
其實，第一次見面我自然會有戒心。
閒聊不久他們開始一問一答了
說很欽佩某某姐，活的很成功
從什麽都不會的主婦到現在自信滿滿，有見識。
是他們的偶像。一大堆的啦。
然後那男生就說道，有個朋友爲了去看演唱會花了幾百塊
問我會不會誇張？我是否能接受這樣
當然，我會說浪費錢啦。不值得
其實，那一刻我已感覺不妥。
是在探聽我的消費觀嗎？
其後，一直跟我說人生目標。
要出人頭地嗎？要成功嗎？
算吧，就隨便給個答案咯。
心想，第一次見面就問人生目標，很奇怪耶

之後省略啦。。
其實那時真的純粹是化妝班。沒想過有什麽的
第二次，就邀我去參觀他們的新中心
上次那間是舊的，現在搬新的很美很壯觀。
ok咯，去咯。見識下嘛
然後到了。進到去才知道有talk.
看到有banner寫著Amway.
其實，我真的不懂Amway是什麽
然後就很多掌聲，有人上臺演講。
說些什麽我忘了。

後來回家問媽媽，才知道原來是直銷公司。
還是很多年歷史的了
媽媽勸我說，別參他們，整天去聽那些talk。
我說，就去下嘛聽下見識下。
其實每一次的talk都在灌輸成功的道理。
就算是健康的talk還是回link去產品那裡
給talk的人說道他們幾出名還科學家醫生的。
我愛聽那些talk因為很幽默。但我不認同演講者的說法。
尤其是那些大道理：六六大順
健康，財富，自由，家庭。。。。blah blah blah.
說什麼加入大家庭就如有個聚寶盆在手，要什麽有什麽。
當然，剛開始會很辛苦，要付出
然後你上到位了，成功了，就可以享受了
然後就搬出那誘人的數字。
某某某年收入多少。駕大車。到處旅行。免費的。多好多自由

心底在想，那麼容易嗎？
發展了那麼多下線，難道你就可以坐在那裡收錢嗎？
你還是要親自去維持Maintain你的Line的業績啊
你是駕大車，但卻得到處跑聯絡感情維繫下線的聯絡。
自由嗎？你成功了，卻更加沒有時間了。
說了是direct sales.Sales 就是要這裡跑哪裡跑的啊
而且你的時間還更加被鎖緊。連自己私人時間都沒有。
一通電話來，你就要去應酬了。

最不喜歡就是一句：
早上外邊下著雨，天氣很好。
上班族被逼要出門上班去
我可以睡到自然醒。多自在
那一句自然醒是多麼的刺耳。
還說每天都像假期，連真正的假期到了也不懂。

還有，他們說這是一個幫助人的事業
讓每個人都有機會成功。獲得自由，獲得健康。給人希望
而且這裡是個大家庭，大家都是兄弟姐妹，很溫馨，可以互相幫忙
聽這些talk就算了。反正就聽下研究下啊。
但有時候演講者說話真的沒經過大腦
因為創辦人是讀書不多的，所以一直拿他的立案來說
家裡窮，賣榴槤，從事30多行散工。
不會英文，沒知識，因為堅持，所以成功。
他還說：你讀那麼多書，沒用的，我沒有學歷也這麼成功，不要讀了。
是的，他是在開玩笑，卻覺得話中有刺。

每一次的talk都在強調同樣的東西。
成功。成功。成功。
還自打嘴巴，說別人老是說，進Amway會被洗腦，沒這回事，偶爾洗下會更清醒

我個人認為沒有洗腦這回事
只是一個詞。
你有自己的思想，你會思考，會想
人家說什麼，自己要分析。不要盲目認同跟隨

他們常說，成功的人已經成功了。
他們把成功的經驗分享給你們，你們只需跟著做就會成功了。
兩條路，一條別人走過，光明大道，一條長滿雜草，你選哪條？當然跟著人走
我就不認同。路是人走出來的，每個人都是不同的個體，路也不同。
我的名言：I will just walk my lonely path.
我就是不喜歡做跟別人同樣的東西，不愛跟隨大隊。
有時候，走自己的路，看自己喜歡的風景，享受那路途，有錯嗎？
感覺更好。何必勉強自己走一條不屬於自己的路呢？

領導人常說，要跟隨。要學習。要改變。
就算你內向，你不會說話，你害怕
只要肯參與，跟隨，一定會有改變。還拿了很多例子的改變
那該死的的改變聽得我火冒三丈！
沒聽過3歲定80嗎？沒聽過江山易改本性難移嗎？
人的性格，都是天生的。
不是說改變不到，任你怎麼改變，你變了，心底你依舊保有原本的性格。
只不過你把它深埋心底，把他人認定的好性格表現出來而已。
何必那麼辛苦，勉強自己把屬於自己的性格埋沒，去追求不是自己style的呢？
Just be yourself~~

每次聽同樣的東西，很膩。而且很不忿。
你說這是助人的事業，給人希望。
我卻覺得這是沒良心的事業
爲了上位，你必須踩著別人的屍體。
所謂的直銷，不是賣東西那麼簡單。
你賣給人，達到業績，抽傭--->第一賺
你賣東西給人，東西比平常貴幾倍---->第二賺
事實是，爲什麽東西那麼貴？因為是直銷，經過很多手，每一手要抽，要賺。
那價錢，已包括了不知多少手的傭金抽費了。
那筆費用就是消費者在承擔。無形的。看不到的
你達標了，那筆傭金，其實一部份是來自你自己身上。
羊毛出在羊身上。你加入了，你也得花費買產品。
有時爲了達標，爲了抽傭，你就自費買了一些其實不是很需要的東西。
你花錢買，然後再抽自己消費的傭金。不是多此一舉嗎?

我倒覺得加入Amway是不值得的。
一來，你不算Amway正式員工，你只是經銷商。
領導人每次強調，加入Amway你就是老闆，自己組生意，跟Amway拿貨。不是打工仔
我想，老闆？真的哪麼容易做老闆嗎？真正的老闆就是Amway的CEO股東們。
每年分利，有你份嗎？
二來，加入Amway你不是員工，享有不到員工該有的福利。
EPF Socso 年假病假。甚至，Amway不需發薪水給你。
誰在賺？又是Amway公司，不是我們。他還省回了基本的Salary pymt.
三來，你幫Amway賣產品。而且Amway的店不多，不是到處可以見到。要跑到老遠去拿貨
而且，這裡，Amway又省回了店面的租金水電請員工開銷。誰賺？你嗎？
這就是爲什麽Amway要維持經銷商這職位
You're just distributor but not the formal workers of the company.
其實Amway高層很聰敏。Since you're not the workers of company, anything happened during the period of business conducted within you and your customers are not the responsible of the company.
這一條免責聲明完全斷絕了直銷商與公司的關係。公司一概不負責任。
多好，連法律責任也免了。出事了你一個人扛。
最厲害的是，Amway從未正式承認他的MLM Status.
這種猶如金字塔式的經銷方式，他們哪會承認？
他會說，我們讓經銷商去銷售散佈貨品，如何發展下線不再我們公司管轄範圍內。
他們也不會direct去招Distributors.而是由很多不同的私人團體，招會員加入。
加入時，你會發現，團體里很多活動，猶如Social society. 表面給人學烹飪，學化妝。
其實到最後還不是Link到去Amway。
因為類似MLM的方式是犯法的，很多活動都不能公開舉辦。
團體里的talk還要購票才能入場。說是爲了限制名額，先到先得。
其實就爲了容易辨別出你是否屬於團體裡的，還要有人介紹才能進入。
如果真的合法，為何不在報紙刊登talk 的詳情？
這樣也可以吸引到更多人的注意，找人加入不就更加容易嗎？
或者，你建立多一些店鋪，如cosway般至少比amway店還容易找。
方便客戶不好嗎？因為屬於MLM所以店建多了，customer就會自己去買。
那distributor 賺什麽？

我參他們不久后也加入了會員。
其實，我只是好奇想體驗下。
加入前我問了，我怕加入后有target要achieve
我又怕達不到target會被罵會連累別人
他跟我說，這生意是你自己的
有沒有target也看你自己。
你要做就做，你不要也不能逼你。
Ok..Deal. I'm in..just have a try.
然後呢。是的，沒target。
但久不久就會邀你出來聽下新產品。
然後有時又說總公司有talk有meeting一起去。
去到了，就順其自然帶你到店裡走走。
你走下走下也自然會買。
這些就是無形的壓力。他不會正面逼你
但那種嘮叨不絕說新產品，幾好幾好，一定要試
然後免費身體檢查，報告出來就說你缺少某某某要補回
你能拒絕嗎？我不夠堅決，不好意思拒絕，就買咯
算咯，試下咯。

問題是，產品買了回來。卻吃不下。
真的覺得他們很誇張。一次吞20多粒藥丸，更厲害是整六，七十粒。
我買了Vit B, C，魚油，鈣質，DoubleX。一餐要吃7粒。Siao eh!!
吃了一次我就吐了，吃不下。那味道是如此嗆鼻。
醬子吃的話，吞藥丸就飽了。還用吃飯的嗎？
罐子標明，Vit C 一天吃4粒。它的分量是500mg/tablet. 4粒不就2000mg了嗎？
我記得中學讀Science學過，Vit C是水溶性的。而上網check一個人每天所需的攝取量只是90mg而已。
你吃那么多，超过了正常所需，多余的就随水分排出体外了啊。不是浪费吗？
Overdose of Vitamin C intake also bring side effect to our body and organ.
我很佩服那些一天吞整70粒药丸的人，到底是不是真的？
太多的药丸，就算那药丸多么natural多么organic都好，你的肾脏负荷得了吗？
我倒觉得会肾脏衰竭呢。要过滤那么多的外来物。

这是多么不负责任的经销啊。
为了讓產品好賣，就叫人吃多多。說對身體好。
我反而覺得，我從不吃保健品營養品身體還健康還好呢
反觀他們整天靠吃這些補助品，還時不時生病。
最好笑的是，那位某某姐，眾人的偶像那位
出外吃飯跟我說一句話：女人啊，最好不要吃青蘋果會刺激子宮對身體不好
青蘋果是男人吃的，對他們比較好，女人就吃多點紅蘋果。
聽到那一刻，笑死我了。想反駁她的，想下，嗯，算了。跟她講都多餘
An apple a day, doctor stays away. 不要吃青蘋果？ LOL.

最最最不屑的是，他們說醫生只會醫病，不懂保健之道。
還說醫生對營養品的見識不多，所以她們不會介紹你吃保養品。
我呸~人家醫生讀那麼多年書，專科知識，營養學什麽的都讀過，不懂？
而你這些連中學都沒畢業的就信口開河，人云亦云。很可笑。
為她而覺得悲哀。自以為是的傢伙。竟然敢批評醫生？哈哈
最討厭不懂裝懂的人，沒聽過沉默是金嗎？不會就不要開口，笑話自己。

你跟我說大道理，OK，行，我會聽，但會自己思考再接受。
很多Amway人說的道理，其實都是歪理。你不能一味認同附和啊
就像，自由，健康，堅持就成功，跟隨。。。這些詞。凡事都有兩面，不是你這樣說就行得通的。

為新認識的那些朋友們感到可惜，悲哀。
你一味的跟隨，崇拜，卻沒認真想過，你適合嗎？
每個人都有自己的路。而這一條成功之路，你的付出不值得如此回報。
想想，你們去找人加入，花的時間，車油，放工后匆忙去聽talk搞event。你自由嗎？
ok.你做到15%。抽傭了。扣除你所花的付出的，剩下多少？
不能只看表面。以為那筆傭金很吸引很多。扣了扣了，真正剩下的是什麽？

時間青春是無價的。
要成功，你不如upgrade自己。
讀多點書，見識多一點，不要給人牽著鼻子走。
所謂的大家庭，只不過是他們製作出來的現象，為的就是留住你們
每次都搞什麽活動，去哪裡玩，一大班的。
你身邊的人，全都是Amway的人，你就被鎖在Amway的圈子，聽的都是Amway的事
你每天只會想成功，想我一定行的。大家相互勉勵。
兄弟姐妹？放屁。連感情很好的朋友都會背叛自己，你跟我說像兄弟姐妹？
其實，裡邊每個人都是爲了自己的利益。世界是如此，沒有例外。
就算成功了上位了去免費旅行了，你還是在Amway的圈子里。任公司魚肉。

成功，有很多方法。
最實際的成功，就是靠自己的學歷知識去成功。
對得起自己，也對得起別人。
而且，成功不是說駕大車住大房很有錢。
心靈上的富裕，對世間的善惡分明，平安健康，有個快樂家庭--->你也可以很成功
我沒有說我很厲害，只是，思想真的很重要。
我要自由，就靠自己，存一筆錢，自己去法國，體驗異國風情，不需活在Amway陰影下。連吃個飯都跟Amway有關。閑掉..ZZzzz

外邊的世界很大很廣
You deserved a wider view and life circle rather than all just about Amway..

The End

Finally it comes to the end.
My four years life spent in Kampar is coming to the end. Hurray!
Finished the FYP and also the VIVA presentation.
Well, perhaps not the best shot, but just did my best.

Left two more papers then I'm free from this town!
Somehow, I missed all the time spent here.
There's unpleasant memories which hurt so much yet I prefer those time I spent here alone.
On and off class. Taking bus driving through this small town on same route with same scene.
Taking bikes and enjoy the morning ride with fresh morning breeze. Green trees. Blue skies. Wide lakes.
Amazing mountains view all around this town with birds warbling all the time.

It's quite an enjoyable and relax life here which I'll never found in hometown KL.
And all has come to the end. Working life is awaiting which stress people out.
Nothing much I can do but just to reminisce all those memorable time.
Learnt the lesson's of pain and gain, and you definitely grown a lot when living these four years life here.

Give myself some targets to achieve in future.
I'll work hard and move my steps closer to my dream.
A target, to make my life motivated and to distract me from keep thinking the negatives.
I want to live better and definitely I will live better without you.
You are just a piece of shit that made my life miserable and I want to get rid of you.
A target, once I achieved it will prove my strength and the moment I achieved, the bad ones will gone together and I'm free to live a new life.
A target, will be my breakthrough to the brand new life of mine.

Just work hard and focus.
I will be there in no time.
Sooner.

Jiayou
And good luck to myself in following exams
:)

Happy. Selfish. Kindness

It has been a long time I didn't update my blog already..
finally it's my last semester staying in Kampar and October I'm gonna come back to KL for my internship.
time flies..and I'm glad my hard work during past semester pay..
under my hard work and persistence, I pass all subjects for pass two semester.

At the moment the result was released, I was damn so anxious scaring that I might fail the hard subject
I am so happy that for this one and only one semester, I pass my Accounting subject- Managerial Accounting without need to resit for another time.
unlike previously I always failed my FAF1& 2 and need to repeat both again. it was just like a curse for me that I always fail accounting paper but not this time!!!hahahahaha..finally I managed to break the curse..hurray

And during these time, I learned  a lot and become more matured in thinking.
Sometimes you really need to let go in order to live a better life.
and I feel so happy and relax recently..
no more sad feeling and hatred feeling towards her..
I love my life for now..life without them that I can do whatever I want where I need not to care so much about them and think for them..

Found that I love freedom so much and I don't need someone that will limit my freedom and choices.
I can decide myself where I want to go, what time for class and what to eat without need to follow and adjust my choices to please and convenient them.
its all just about me..

Perhaps you can label me as selfish person, but I'm more to a kind person and this kindness always exceed my selfish thinking and made me a very kind and careful person that I am willing to ignore my own desires and go for other's advantages.
now that I'm enough for my kindness shown and time to live for myself.
This is not selfish, as you act more selfish than me.

Lessons learned from them :
Never treat people with 100% true heart and when you started to care about others, you are a loser!!
this is the rule to survive in this cruelty world and you have to learn to protect yourself from being hurt badly by the one you care so much.

Thank you for the life  lesson and I found it useful when I decide to leave the gang and started to live for myself.
In three more months time, I will be leaving this small town that once I had so much memories here but now those are sad memories of mine.
Few days before having lunch at campus and group of Psychology student conducting their study survey asked me : What is happiness?
am I happy? yes, I am. As I am able to do whatever I want to do, I have food to eat, I have clothes to wear and I live healthly without any disease.
Groups of friend to share my happiness? No, I don't need it as once I tried to share all my happiness and sad things with them and what I get is a blame and end of friendship.
No one is willing to listen to true heart talks of yours and don't be such naive believing they will take serious what you said.
Not every selfish people have the kind heart of mine that willing to overcome the selfish feeling and be good to others. No one.

I'm sick of my kindness and even I tried so hard, I still can't get rid of it.
Kindness kill me and it torture me and made me suffer from the responsibility that do not belongs to me.
Among group of selfish person, you can't be one of them or else no one will take the responsibility as each person also think for their own self. Works couldn't be done in that situation.
So, I am selfish, but not as selfish as yours. Why can't I be as like you? I don't know. Although I wish to.

This is a complicated feeling.
I don't know. I have really no idea on this.
End topic.

Growth. and please be tougher

Finally the result released.. and I'm glad that I pass all the papers.
thanks god that I can get rid off the stupid accounting paper after this..
damn so happy.

7 more days to my 23th birthday.
and my best friend during secondary study dated me out to have an early celebration with me.
I am so happy after get to know both of them willing to have an  early celebration with me as they scared
I will get back to Kampar before my birthday..I appreciate it much..
can't wait  for tomolo night's meeting up with them.

Honestly.totally never been celebrating me birthday before this.
the most impressive memory is that during my form 6 time whole class sang a birthday song for me in class and get a super big handmade birthday card from them.
after getting into university.. 2 years together with them, I am sorry to say that, they never have a birthday celebration with me.
Everytime I am always the one who keep caring about others feeling
and I worked so hard to make everyone happy.
I don't care I spent a lot for the birthday preparation.
I don't care I postpone my date to go back hometown just to celebrate their birthday.
I don't care those hard work I did for the surprises .

But in their eyes my birthday was nothing special.
cause my birthday was always the 1st day of school opening day. and they will not come back that early.
hence no celebration for me.
I am a very simple person. I don't need a cake. I don't need expensive gift.
what I wanted most is just some simple dinning together and true heart talk together.
That would be just enough..
I can't feel your sincere heart. and after what you did and told me last time.
I was so regret that I am that naive to give you my true heart and expect you treat me the same.
Instead, things goes the other way.
Friends? after those poisonous word from you? after the untolerance from you?
I really couldn't stop dropping tears everytime thinking of them.
and I will never forget this precious life lesson given by them.

I don't have much friends.
and I am glad that even so, I still have true friends around.
true friends like them. and I wish our friendship really could last forever.

Recently am actively exploring new friend circle thru web.
and there are one guy who claimed that he's a financial planner with the age of 29.
I doubted that, as a matured professional will not directly ask me to be his gf after 1st conversation.
the world is just so weird with different kind of people.
he dated me out today and after considering so long I didnt attend.
just now he called and said that he waited me for so long and I didnt appear.
should I believe him? he date me out at 230pm but nearing 6 o'clock only he called and ask me.
will it be possible he waited there for such long for a girl that he never met before? hmm..
actually I'm  scared too for going out with a stranger guy alone.
not everytime I will be such lucky can meet with good person..and I not dare to take the risk again.
from the conversation I discovered that he is not that simple as I thought.

Be cautious please..
even I am desperate to find a person to start a relationship. but he definitely will not be the one.
I don't wish my first love start in this way. just too childish and unsecured.
even he with his super sweet words..but I will not fall for these.
and I feel that those words from him made me so uncomfortable.
dear..darling..sweet heart...life partner some more..LOL
creepy!! and really feel so cold for what he called me..
haiss..this is life..you have to go thru many things so that you can get a clearer vision.
and I am still young and unmatured in this manner. there are still a lot for me  to learn

getting so sick recently..sore throat..bad cough..light fever..running nose.even headache severely.
please recover soon...I am enough of it!!
must take good care of myself as school opening soon.

dear me..be tough please..
wish this will be a nice year for me.
and that all my dream will come true.
:0

心声

新的一年來臨
倒数12天就是我23岁的生日了
时光真的不留人一转眼就这样过去了
感觉自己总在虚度光阴白白浪费了那么多的时间却也一事无成

别再犹豫了
新的一年里怎样也该改变作息为自己设定目标前进
毫无目标的活着真的好累人我找不到继续奋斗的理由
放纵自己那么久也是时候够了

还有不到两个礼拜的时间就开学了
成绩何时揭晓我也真的不知道
但却很紧张想知道到底上学期自己的表现如何
最后一个学年了我也该毕业了愿一切都顺利吧
过去的一切就让它逝去吧

尽管我放不下
尽管我被狠狠的伤了痛了难过了
那都是过去的事了
你一遍遍的想着
也就会一遍遍地继续痛着
学会放下遗忘吧
人也活得快乐些

原想趁这个假期好好休息一番
之前老板拨电找我帮忙一个Project我也拒绝了
最后却在妈妈教书的幼儿园帮忙做助教
对着那些孩子们我真的不知该哭呢还是该笑
天真无邪的他们是那么的可爱
但转眼露出那魔鬼一面时真不知该拿他们如何
开学第3天我就全身酸痛了
追着四岁的孩子们到处跑把他们抓回班
面对嚎哭的孩子们挣扎乱踢乱挥手我依旧得紧抱他们安慰他们
还有些孩子爱撒娇总是腻着我不放把我的大腿当椅子坐还不时要抱抱
天啊~抱他们抱得我全身酸痛。今早起床我真的难忍那酸痛感。哈哈
算了吧。其实看着天真无邪的他们童言童语的有时还蛮愉快的。值得吧

这个假期其实也过得蛮充实的
去了中六朋友聚会见到多年不见的他们
每个人都过着不同的生活不同的遭遇
世界就是如此

我还跟中学时期最要好的朋友外出吃个饭闲聊一番
发觉她对事物的看法都很有一套蛮成熟的
喜欢那种感觉，至少在她身上学到不少
算是生活经历吧我迟早也会亲身体验到

妈妈说，我对生活抱着太过天真的态度
老是被父母说我不成熟很幼稚
个人觉得只是有时候吧
偏好于简单的生活
我不爱斗争和耍心计
对于你欺我诈的世界我很反感
只觉得对人是要付出真心才是正确的
努力地做个好人但到最后受伤的却是自己
有时真的很疑惑到底自己该怎么做才是正确
就顺其自然吧我也无能为力了

新年·願望

末日預言並沒實現
還有幾天就邁入2013 年了
每一年第一個月的第17天是我的生日
不到20天的時間我就會踏入23歲了

沒什麼，日子依舊這樣過
過去的一年裡學會了很多
成長很痛我永遠也忘不了那刻骨銘心的傷痛
那是我人生里上了一堂最現實最寶貴的課
我悲痛欲絕失望難過但還是一個人挨了過來

學會了自我調理心境
我不再會如此輕易相信他人寬容他人
並不是身邊每一個人都值得我如此付出
到最後我還不是被人當傻瓜一個
靠自己才是最實際的

成長了，責任也大了
看著年邁的父母其實我有些愧疚
延遲一年畢業也是我一手造就的
對不起是我讓你們失望了

對於未來，我真的很彷徨失措
獨生女一點兒也不好當
我擔憂我害怕我無助

世界上最親的我只有父母二人
而生老病死是人生必經之途
我不敢想像當有一天他們離我而去那刻我會有著如何的心情

人，總是奇怪的生物
小時候我恨不得快些長大好擺脫家裡的束縛
現在長大了卻覺得時間過得真快所有的一切快得在我掌控之外

我明白媽媽最近的意圖
她總愛探聽我是否有對象
還時不時跟我說教，什麽帶眼識人的、潔身自愛之類等等
其實她說的我都懂

媽媽請放心
對於感情我絕對認真不會隨便對待
當然我找對象的條件也沒了以往般那麼單純簡單
我需要的，是一個能肩負責任的男人
而不是一個還需要依靠家裡的任性男孩

是的，是時候我也該找個能陪我度過人生的另一半了
我害怕，我真的害怕當年邁雙親離開我后剩下我孤零零一個人那日子
我沒有兄弟姐妹我沒有要好知己
所有的一切都只有我一人承擔
而爸媽扮演的角色真的很重要
我能無拘無束得傾吐、撒嬌、發牢騷的就只有他們

隨著日子一天天過去，看著日益孱弱的父母我真的不知該怎麼辦好
時光老人，您可否聽聽我的禱告讓身邊的一切慢下來嗎？
我真的好害怕那快的不眨眼的時光給身邊的人與事帶來的影響

對於未來新的一年裡，我不奢求太多
只希望身邊的人都能平安健康，一切順利
感情那回事，就隨緣吧

過去一年裡，所有不好的我都要統統拋掉
所有的不快請遠離我，我要的是一個嶄新的人生
沒有她們我依舊能過得好好的

Be Happy.

Sweet memories

One more week to go,there end my current semester.
quite stress for the coming paper..don't know why, I am so afraid of taking exam now.
I don't want to fail again!!everytime seeing the accounting paper I am gonna faint.
totally dislike accounting stuff..I would rather take 10 financial paper also don't want sit for account exam
suffering when doing the revision.and everytime I also feel like wanna give up on this subject.

Last Friday, I help one of our university's lecturer to foster a cute puppy.
her name is Kia. I really like her so much..first day she come, the lecturer provide me with cage and chain.
However, I didnt plan to cage her all the time. First time ever I put dog inside my room area.
and she is a very obedient and clever girl. I bought her another collar with bell as easy for me to notice where she move and what she's doing behind me.XD
At first I was so worried that she might do her business inside my room.but at last I was relief as she is so clever and will go out my balcony area there to solve her business. make me easier to do the cleaning job 

Enjoy the time I spent together with her for the three days fostering period.
I let her wander around my room and she likes to sleep under my leg.
when she awake, she will stretch her tired body and it looks really fun.
I like her keep licking and sniffing on me. first time ever I let a dog kiss my face.
Even my log log also don't have this chance..hahaha..the feeling is nice but quite itchy and geli~XD
I hug her and lie on floor together with her. and she keep playing with my hair.
she likes to lie on my floor clothes and hugging them to sleep.
3 pieces of my floor cloth being occupied by her..full with her slaver and her smell.

I loved so much looking at her sleeping face.
I loved her so so much and she is really super obedient.
I will talk to her. telling her to be good girl and go outside balcony to pee and poo.
and she do understand what I said. the lecturer was suprised too when I told her this as normally she will bring her out for walk and she always settle her business outside.

The day lecturer came and fetch her back, I was really sad.
I already used to her existence in my room. 
no more her cage in my room
no more her collar bell ringing in my room.
no more licking and sniffing from her and I miss the fun time I had with her.

Doing my revision and I was so used to keep saying : Kia, good girl ar~
look under my bed, there was the spot Kia loved so much to hide and sleep there hugging my clothes.
now that she had gone and no more those sweet and warm memories with her.
Dogs are always man's best friend and companion.
These few days I was so happy and in good mood with her in my life.
wish her can find a family that willing to give a forever home and loved her more than I do.
I will always be missing you♥

Two more days to my first paper. and I was so anxious.
recently am having exam phobia..sigh
I remember my promised and mom's promised too.
Please pass all the paper in this semester and I can adopt Xiao Jing, another cute and obedient doggie. Even she only left with one eye, I like her on my first sight and must fight to get her next semester. huhuhuhu!!! 

Chooi Wai Man!!add more oil in your revision.
Fight for your dream
Fight for Xiao Jing!!
Ga Yao arrhh!!!

Life

Did a meaningful thing last weekend..
followed the UPAS society went to animal shelter in Ipoh and bathe those doggies..
and I get to know few utar students which volunteer in helping animals too..

my first experience visiting animal shelter and this shelter having 3 kennels for dogs and 1 for cat..
when I first step inside the shelter..I can see those dogs jumping up excitedly inside their kennels.
those doggies are super friendly to us and keep jumping and wandering around sniffing you when we went inside the kennel..

Even though I am not so used with the strong smell inside the kennel,but I also had some fun time with them..
feel really touch with those volunteer in helping animals..
they don't mind if the dogs having skin condition or wound that bleed..
they  don't mind spending money and time taking care those poor little things.

I do loves animal..but before get in touch with this activity, at most I will only give foods to those strays and play with them for a while.
my mommy are against animals..every time when she sees my approach those cats she will shoo them away..
she's mad because those stray cats always poo infront my house gate..XD
So everytime I will use the time when mommy was in bath and I will open the gate and play with those cute cats and give them food.
And mommy is afraid of dogs too..still remember last time I bring Log log back home, mommy was so scared until she not dare to go out to dry the clothes and need to me hold log log tight before she went out.

Through this time's activity, I am glad that there are still lots of animal lovers out there and what I did before was nothing compared with them.
we bathe the dogs, cleaning the kennel and prepare food for them.
even though at the end I was sweating like hell and smells stinky, but I feel satisfied and happy too.
seeing them having clean body and pleasant smell with happy time, all we did worth it.

Before going back home, went to KS's house and visit the dogs that being rescued by them last time.
there is one dog named Xiao Jing which suffered in eye problem and now it left only with 1 eye after surgery.
first sight seeing her, I fall in love with her even she only have one eye.
she is quite active and obedient to people around.
really feel sorry for what she've encountered.

Think quite a lot when I reach my room.
Suddenly the idea arise that maybe I can adopt her as my second pets?
called my mom and as expected she rejected my request.
I've begged for so long and even argue with her.
she said that what for you bring back a dog with one eye?can she guard the house?
mommy said I am a weird person..always like those weird things.
come on..nothing's wrong with the one eye dog wat..she's a life too..so don't discriminate her!!

Next day after argue, mommy sent me a message telling me that she loved me as I am her only child.
and I start bargaining with her that: If I pass all subjects in this semester, I will adopt Xiao Jing as my pet.
all the expenses and responsibility I will bear by myself as usual..
and please don't worry that I don't have enough money to spent during my study..
I will think clearly and planned well before I decide to adopt her.and  I will love her will all my heart without ignoring my study too.
and mommy promised me..hurray!!!

2 more weeks to final exam...and I must study hard..
for myself and also to realize my dream to adopt Xiao Jing.
start from tomorrow I will go stay at school library so that I could more concentrate on revision.

Today one of my assignment mate ask me to do revision together with him and he got some part do not understand.
haha..first time ever got assignment mate ask me to revise together..normally I used to do revision on my own,but its a good thing too la.at least two is better than one? LOL

Just now when I was enjoying my meal, my phone rang and received a message.
never thought that he will message me again.I was really shock.
even though I have deleted your number, but looking at those familiar numbers I know its you.
just some simple word: Hi, how are you recently?
Do you know how excited was I when seeing the message sent by you?
I wish for years that I can hear from you again..and now only my wish come true.
I was confused.should I reply your message?
after what I did so hard previously and you gave me with no response, now you appear again?
what's your purpose? just like last time, we lost contact for some while, you come back again, then leave again..

I'm enough of it!if there are something between us, we already been together long time ago but no wait till now..
hence I am sure that you're just bored and need someone to entertain you.
I do hope there are things between us, but there isn't.

Time to wake up, Wai Man.
I should know where I stand from the past and I don't wish to fall again because of you.
sometimes I will recall back the past and remind me of you.
I wished for thousand times that I could hear from you again..and now my dream comes true.
but I am not happy.I am not the old me in the past anymore.
must be cruel to myself to get rid off you.just like what I did as I choose to walk my lonely road even they are my gang..

So what? just let me live by my own way without always putting others as priority.
I am tired of it..what I get since I treat you so nice and you gave me with nothing.
best friends will betray..so do you..
I don't want to get hurt time by time..
I'm pain!!

So better stay away from you and from them.
I prefer my current life and thanks for your concern.
I am doing so fine here.and I wouldn't reply your message.

Be tough..be determined.
everything's gonna be okay.
fight for my dreams..live a better life
I can do it~!!

苦。訴

還有不到一個月的時間這個學期就結束了
說真的，其實還是有些擔心
這學期拿了滿學分四科科目
兩張金融學，法文還有會計學Ⅱ

金融學我真的完全不擔心
之前比這更難的金融科目我都過關了
所以這兩科對我來說是真的很輕鬆
反而我害怕的是會計學和法文

發覺自己做人真的很直
法文老師人很好任由我們在課堂上自由發揮
很多人在班上考試都是作弊的
沒辦法，我都是獨行俠一個人上著陌生的法文課
所以考試時我都沒死黨一夥討論偷看
發覺很多人不單偷看討論，還光明正大參考書本筆記

其實我也有那個機會
考試前我把重點筆記寫在紙上放進透明的文件夾
但猶豫了很久卻發覺這樣不是很好我也從不在課堂上作弊
於是臨陣我放棄了作弊念頭把透明文件夾翻到空白一頁內墊底
成績出來那刻我真的有些後悔
大部份人的成績都很好而我只是剛剛及格而已
沒什麼只是有些不忿、不甘和後悔
哎，不然我的分數就不止過關那麼低了
算吧，至少我對得起自己的良心
有個朋友曾經跟我說過：小考測驗不需害怕會Fail..因為可以偷看參考
但我個人覺得這是原則問題，是的，我也期望能Pass這樣就不必怕大考分數被拉低
我也害怕最終會Fail掉整張紙被逼下學期重拿，但我就是做不下手

最頭疼的就是會計學
這是我的弱點
根本對會計全無頭緒也完全沒基礎
很後悔中六時為何不拿會計學到了大學才第一次接觸
會計Ⅰ和Ⅱ我都是Fail了第一次再重拿的
擔心擔心希望這次能順利過關啊
我不想再重拿會計學，會瘋掉!!!

最近的心情很不錯
靜思了很久想了很多
其實在想是否自己想太多了
有時候是否自己被騙了還樂得以為別人真的那麼熱忱

自認自己是個心軟任人擺佈的人
但這不代表我沒主見只是我不想計較所以沒必要我都是那句：沒關係
只要你沒踩到我的底線我真的什麽都沒關係
我知道，我的主見太強每每我忍不住發揮我主見時總會鬧得不愉快
所以我選擇附和隨從什麽都隨便
因為我真的沒關係只要你快樂你喜歡不麻煩到你我都沒關係

但發覺自己的退讓每次總讓他人踩到頭上來
世界上沒那麼多人那麼好心會真心為你著想
明知那是個陷阱我卻心甘情願踩下去
你退一步他卻越逼近一步

人們會爲了利益而說謊并相互利用
但我卻很不屑這一點
你心裡真正怎麼想我不知道
但我總在說服自己你說的是對的你沒在利用我
我只希望我自己沒看錯人，你是正直的
其實我也有些同情你也許你有自己的苦衷吧

想了很久，我是否該止步退出呢
無止境的退讓付出我真的有些消受不了
爲了不相幹的人我甘心付出時間金錢精神
那是一種無形的壓力緊緊壓迫著我

成長，是個殘忍的過程
它會讓你看清這個社會人們的心態
更可怕的是成長會把你磨練改變成你最不想變成的人
你單純誠實處處為人著想，在這個社會上——你輸了
人不為己天誅地滅，這是生存的原則

希望他沒我想的那麼壞是在欺騙利用我
因為我真心把每個走進我生命裡的人當做朋友
就算我沒錢開飯我也可以為你掏光口袋的錢財
只希望你能以同樣的心態對我而不是假惺惺的利用


還有一個月不到的時間我就放假啦，很興奮很開心
順順利利過這個學期回來後我要好好寵寵自己
在想，是否要做假期工呢？
每次放假都回來做工，我真的很想好好休息
但不做工就沒多餘的錢休閒娛樂
唉，為錢忙也為錢死
真可憐~

很羡慕那些有兄弟姐妹的人
至少他們不需一個人負擔整個家庭有什麽事也有個人商量
我希望有事可以有個年長的人指引我
也希望什麽秘密開心或不開心的事有姐妹分擔一群人窩在被窩里大笑或痛哭
但我只是個獨生女我誰人也沒有

我害怕未來的變數
年邁的父母靠的就只是我了
每每想到這點就覺得自己很沒用
22歲了還得靠父母供我念書而我不爭氣還要延長一年畢業
看著白髮鬢鬢的爸爸駝著背日曬雨淋為的就是給我生活費我真的很難過
雖然爸爸嘴裡總是在啰嗦我諷刺我反對我，但其實他是擔心我的

錢啊、錢啊
世界上有錢就真的什麽事都解決得了也不用那麼煩
不是我現實這是一個你不能否認的事實

做好自己本分吧
加油

寂夜

耐不住饑餓
這一整天只在中午放學后吃了經濟米粉
猶豫了很久我還是走出去打包了炒米粉解餓


皎潔的明月
抬頭望向漫天星空
很美
這是個寧靜的夜晚

一個人漫步已成了我的習慣
特別是在寂靜的夜裡
我何嘗不想融入團隊里
但我發覺儘管我多麼的努力那只是表面
我的性格習慣依舊是屬於獨行的
是改變不了的事實

很寂寞
一個人在外頭生活
我安分守己盡自己的責任
我自由卻很寂寞

走在外頭
在想，是否會有個人可以為我赴湯蹈火
就像我爲了他而糾結10年之久

媽媽終於放手讓我去闖了
媽媽開始關心我是否有喜歡的男生了
媽媽說，她不再阻止我也不會干涉我去談戀愛

很悲哀，我有對象那時你是那麼的堅決反對
現在卻開始為我擔心
對象，不是隨隨便便找一個就有
跟媽媽談了很久，談了些我們從不談的話題
那種感覺很奇怪
其實我真的不習慣跟媽媽說這些
我的事情我自己會處理，謝謝關心

緣分這東西，很難說
世界就是那麼奇妙
我喜歡你，你喜歡她
我想談戀愛你阻止，我不想你卻開始關心

若我不選擇到金寶念書，我不會認識她們
若我不認識她們，我們不會爭執我也不會嘗到成長之痛
若我沒跟她們鬧翻，我的成績依舊一蹶不起
若我沒搬出去一個人住，我不會認識那一班新朋友

這就是命運，是緣分
有些人，跟你無緣
所以她們被逼退出你的世界

就算你怎麼傷心難過，無緣就是無緣
就如我為他糾結了10年依舊無結果
倒不如放手放下

這是一個糾結的夜晚
想了很多很多
成長很痛，我很寂寞
儘管很累儘管淚流滿目
但這條路我依舊得走下去

就隨緣吧
別哭

幸福?

最近总是很迟才睡觉，说真的我也觉得很不正常
一个星期的假期我变本加厉，差不多每晚都整4点才睡
没什么，就是不想睡

今天星期天，还以为可以睡迟些但我依旧没福
有个朋友说要来金宝，顺道找我，只是我没想到会在早上
睡得蒙蒙糊糊期间被吵醒，却得知他要去怡保顺道带我去
反正我也没事做，就跟去吧

上了车才发觉原来还有另一班朋友随行
先跑到了新镇吃点心，真的好久好久没回到新镇走走了
看着发展迅速的新镇，有些感慨
曾经，我们2年的时间是在那里度过
现在却各奔西东，形同陌路，唏嘘也

一路北上，一个既熟悉又陌生的城市
整一年多没上过去了
其实在想，找个机会偶尔自己一个人乘巴士北上走走也不错
我不需要人陪也能好好的自我娱乐
爱上了那冒险的感觉

发觉最后要去的地方是——巴占
令我想起了她，是她的家乡
在想，是否会在人潮里遇见她呢
有些抗拒与害怕
自我们闹翻后，我依旧放不下你一切
我想起了你对我说过的一切
想起了在你家暂住的日子、我们同游的时光


去了个新开张的商店分行，人多得很
看见那人潮我也不禁皱起眉头，寸步难行啊
找了个机会溜了出来，外头很热
我也借机发挥我好奇的精神沿附近商店走走
带着耳机绕附近走了几圈，最后停留在一家奶茶店


叫了杯饮料坐在户外
看着来往的人群与车辆
我虽厌恶人多拥挤的地方，却也蛮喜欢那场景
喜欢看着人来人往的街道，静静坐在一旁听着歌回忆着
置身于人潮里的那点宁静，真的很享受

其实，你跟我说的我都听得懂
无可否认，那的确很吸引我
可是依旧还是很多的疑问和灰色地带我搞不懂
外界的是非黑白闲言闲语也不完全无道理
其实，有些事情是否光明正大坦坦白白比较好呢
感觉上你们有好多的隐瞒，有些鬼祟的感觉

其实我并不反对你们所说，
只是有些时候与其吞吞吐吐倒不如开门见山
很反感那种神秘鬼祟，请别再对我拐弯抹角
有什么事就直接说吧

过后，大伙儿还到了市中心出名的饭店找吃——怡保著名的芽菜鸡饭
还真是我的第一次啊，只是天不作美下起了倾盆大雨

饭店里很多人
其实觉得没什么特别的
也许是我胃口不太好的关系？嗯
今天的收获其实也不错啦
我见识了很多，学到了很多

沿途的风景很美
其实我很喜欢坐在车里看着车外的风景
从小就有了这习惯所以很自然的每每外出我都爱看着外边的景物
人也好，车也好，事物也好
这世界是多么的奇妙

最近的心情很反复很极端
我可以很开心也可以很失落
发觉最打动我的一首歌竟是【月亮代表我的心】
护花危情里的插曲、绝种好男人的插曲
有种淡淡悲伤的感觉
特别是绝种好男人里最后任贤齐再火车站唱出这首歌时
无论我看多少遍，每次依旧泪流满目

有时候，幸福很简单
的确，每个人都向往成功也希望出人头地
可人们总不知足，总追求更多
这样幸福吗？我只觉得生活很累人
总是在付出付出和付出
追求追求还是在追求
可否停下脚步，静下心来思考
自己要的到底是什么？
有时候，看看身旁的风景也是一件很幸福的事
也许一直以来的追求，答案就在里边

我厌恶繁忙的节奏累人的脚步
我总是在跟随，追啊追啊
一步两步三步，我始终被落在后头
看着前头的她们，无论我怎么努力还是追不上
反而现在我抽身离开，走我一个人的路
发觉，其实我比以前幸福

有时候，真的觉得自己很累很累
累得什么也不想理不想管
静静的沉淀自己，静思
其实，我们都幸福
只是追求得太久我们逐渐遗失了那幸福离幸福越远

我很幸福
却也不幸福
因为我不懂得珍惜那幸福

Holiday?

Time flies...and now its my almost half of November passed
next week will be my faculty whole week holidays..but I am not gonna back KL again since I just get back from there on Friday..
most of the students are going back..and this small town become more silent without them

Recently I am so get used in spending time alone..
surfing the net..doing some notes for revision..listening to music.blah blah blah
started to enjoy my lonely life all the way from school to home..
cycle alone..went to class alone..dining along..

I don't have to care anymore where I did wrong and get annoyed by someone
I can fully utilize my time doing my own things and need not keep helping to do things that don't belongs to me..
I am the master of myself..I decide where to go,when to eat and what to do..

I am doing so fine without others..even a bit alone..but I feel great..
and I think of you since I am too free here..
when I last purchased my new laptop, they gifted me a Celcom number..
at first I thought of want to make a silent call or messaging you with this totally strange new number as I previously did..
but I remembered what I have promised to myself..don't be an idiot again..
officially this is the 10th year I fall for you..

Time to end all this..
no more stupid act please...
I will never regret as I already did my last effort and you gave me nothing.
no more putting down my pride just to impress you..
free from you..free from them..
no more hearty caring..we are done..

hmm..then what to do with this new number leh?
lol..just leave aside..really don't need it now
lets think about how am I going to spent this one week long holiday and survive..
don't want to get bored till dead..must find something to do
the first thing I am going to do tomorrow morning is to clean this whole house..
yes, is whole house..not only my room..since no one want to bear this responsibility..then I will go for it..
really beh tahan those people..how they can live in a such untidy and dirty environment leh?
but this time I am not that stupid like I last did..I will only clean when I have nothing to do..sometimes I will clean at least one week also..but after my cleaning effort, those people never know how to maintain and always spoil it..ishh..really feel frustrated when seeing things ain't in order..best choice ever I choose my own room with own bathroom..can't imagine if I have to share toilet with others..
really suspect that I have mysophobia..
I washed my hand N times a day..
I swept floor at least twice a day and I can't stand with it when I saw those hair/dirt dust on my floor
sometimes when I am using those public toilet, even its clean but I still feel that there's certain smell..
Even my body smells better than the toilet although I am stingy with sweat..hahahaha..

holiday!!
its holiday!!
hurray!!finally I can rest well and get prepared in this one week time..
cant wait to see my cleaning effort and some others plans to work smooth..
2012 is going to end soon..maybe the doomsday is coming?
I have no idea..just live my life..none of my business also since every person will need to face death but just don't know when exactly..and I'm so willing to leave this world if the doomsday come :P

happy holiday then

04/11/2012

Its November now and week four for this semester..
time flies and few more weeks there ends my current semester.
2012 will come to the end too..and I am turning into 23 next year..

These few weeks I've spent quite alot...
and my pay for the Tesco diaper promoter job still haven't come out yet.
wondering whether I am being cheated by the agent cause I never know her before and simply accept the job through online..even though I only worked for four days in Sept..but 300+ payment means everything for me and I am really scared I can't receive it..sigh..

Finally my laptop come to the end of its life..lol..sent it twice to repair and it results the same.
even worst than before after I listen to the advise of repairman and change the hard disk & upgrade the RAM.
I am enough of this!!!now my laptop can't even on and directly blue screen in the welcoming page..
each time I tried to restart and its still the same..
such a waste of my time and money purposely went back KL last time just to make sure my laptop no more problem..the one year guarantee is nothing at all..at last I still need to buy a new laptop instead of keep sending it back and come back with problem again>.<
I am really poor now!!!the part time project that assigned to me I have to reject as I can't even access to my laptop..how to use the software and call over to S'pore leh?sigh..loss the chance to earn extra money due to this stupid laptop..argh!!

And yesterday I went to CC in aroudn 100am just to complete my assignment..
my group member started to urge me and ask for few amendment to my part..
actually I am already reaching the finishing phase but my laptop just keep restart and restart..
luckily I am clever enough to save my assignment copy into my pendrive..
cause after I received call from my groupmate, my lappy directly goes dead..
have to go CC and complete my part..so sad..
first time ever stayed at CC for so late and I spent my time there till 6am in the morning..
what a wonderful experience :D

This Wednesday I am gonna come back KL again...yeah..is again..lolss
this time I will go to search for new laptop..but I really have no idea on which brand to buy..
am idiot when it comes to IT part..and I think that I am the enemy of IT equipment..
every time every single electronic appliant will goes broke once they reach my hand..
my mom's camera..old desktop..rice cooker..handphone..my car and now even laptop..lol

Coming Wednesday I will be having my financial paper midterm..and after the test I will headed back to KL
after purchase the laptop and go for my Friday dental appointment, will come back Kampar again on that day too as I will be having the French midterm too..sigh..it really make me headache especially the listening test..last  class Sir give example on how the listening test is and I totally don't understand what he talk about in French, how am I gonna translate it into english wor : (

Put more effort on it la...
must believe that, I can do this..
Hope  everything will be fine after this..
no more laptop problem..salary faster come out to me..gain a better result..

heart talk

back to KL Wednesday just to take my laptop back to repair..
luckily it didn't cost me much and now the problem solved..thanks god..
previously I planned to stay till Friday only go back Kampar as Friday is a public holiday
but Thursday after I solved my laptop problem and went to KTM station to buy ticket back Kampar
was told that the server system down and they couldn't do anything or transaction..what the hell!!
met with this situation quite a few times and I really hate this..last few times since I am not urgently needed the ticket hence I can go back and purchase another day..but this time I got class on Saturday and I must make sure that I could get back before that..haihss..

The moment I knew the system down problem, I was in an extreme anxious mood..I still need to take my laptop back to SS2 office there to have a simple briefing about the part time project assigned to me..on the way there, there was heavy rain and severe jam all  the way there..almost met with accident,twice on the way..ishh..I am just not in the mood to drive as too many things keep playing in my mind...how should I get back?train system down..how about bus?but I have to wait for dad to fetch me to Puduraya and ask for ticket..and he rejected to do so giving reason there's heavy rain and traffic jammed in KL..lol..I am really afraid that I can't get any ticket back to Kampar..my fault!!should buy the ticket earlier,I really don't know this situation will happen..

In that critical moment, I think of a new friend that he told me before  he will back to Bidor on Friday..Hence I called and ask whether could take a ride too..first time talk through phone while I am driving and I almost crashed a car at the roundabout junction..I did saw the car's signal showing that he wanted to left turn but I failed to press the brek on time..just few inches the accident will come true and luckily nothing in the end..the Toyota Camry old driver starred at me for so long before he left..and I am really sorry about that!!really really sorry..I admit is my fault I talk with phone while driving..found that my car's brek having some problem as this two day when I drive, the brek seems a bit loosen and I need to press so hard to make my car stop..
time to ask my dad have a check on it as previously I can easily made my emergency stop, but not now..lol..Thursday was really a bad day for me~~

However the friend will go back on Thursday night..what can I do about that? nothing..I just can follow as I really need to go back..If wait till Friday then go ask again the KTM later no more available ticket then I will be dead..first time ever travel across state in the midnight..11pm only depart and I thought as usual will reach in about 2 hours time..but after passed the toll I was totally amazed by the traffic's situation..all red light along  the highway,means that thousands of cars jammed on the 4-line highway..never met with this situation before..and even I knew Friday is a public holiday but I thought in the midnight the road won't be this jam and will be smoother..plus it was a rainy midnight, the situation goes worst..

Am really sorry to my friend as he still need to travel quite a distance from Bidor to Kampar just to send me
back..I reached my room at around 3am+..actually I am quite sleepy while in the car, but I not dare to fall asleep..leaving him awake and drive alone while I have a nap is not my style...plus I think it is safer I stay awake,can help keep an eye on the traffic..did try to share some travel fees to him...really feel sorry to him..have to drive for such a long time, almost 5 hours and I knew he's tired and bored too..time,petrol,mentally exhausted and toll fees..hope my share is enough to cover back all these la..and wish him have a safe journey back after sending me..really worried that there might be something happened and I will feel guilty if that happens.

Feel creepy when I walked alone into my house..went upstairs straight into my room and all my housemate already in sleep..it was so quiet and I am really scared..some of them already went back hometown and my house was quite empty....haihss..I am still that timid..be braver please? don't think too much then you won't be scared..tiding my stuffs and I slept around 4am..and I woke up early in 8am..what the hell..I am just so tired and why can't I sleep more late leh?has become a habit of mine to wake up early..no matter how tired am I, just like previously I slept on 6am, I still will wake latest before 10am..not good for my health ah~~

And yesterday before going back Kampar, have a heart to heart talk with mommy... and amazingly she supports me..I told her all those thinking in my mind and the lies that I tell before..I thought she will get mad and blame me badly but she didn't..finally she understands me and willing to let me go chase my dream and freedom...I am really suprised!!thank you so much, my dear mom..and my dad also acted stranger than usual..he treat me so nice after he went back from work..I thought he will be mad as when I request him to take my bus ticket from phone, he scolded me badly..hahahaha...actually Thursday is quite a nice day yea :)

Today is mommy's birthday..and I am not in KL anymore to celebrate with her..if not, I will cook a meal to her and bought her a piece of cake..I know she dislike cake but just to show my appreciation mah..never really celebrate birthday among our family members..me,daddy and mommy..with both of  them already 60's, they are not so into celebration..so am I..but I really do hope that some one will celebrate my birthday together with me..this reminds  me of them, which I stayed together with in pass 2 years..now they had left me and I am alone...all alone in this small town..living my own life..I am happy that I found my path but at the same time I am sad too..is hurt!!deeply severely being hurt~~I still remember on Tuesday I went for my tutorial class and met with her..I never raise my head and have a look on her all the period in class..listening to her voice and her smile, it really hurts me..and I pretend to be active in class..I sit in front row and answering each question from tutor..I just want to let her know, without her I am so fine and excellent!!on surface I pretend that I don't care but deep inside my heart I still can't let go all those happenings..

Gosh..I live so well just to prove that I can live without them..am I wrong?sometimes I am confused and I don't know the answer too..I always mentioned that I wanted to live my own life, but now? I don't want to live under others any more..!!its my life and all I need to do is for myself,for my own advantages.not telling myself to be selfish, but at least put myself as priority before others...I am the one that so stupid that will put others as priority before thinking for myself..its bad!!bad for me!!I have to protect myself because no one will do..when you care, you get hurt..that's what I've learnt in the pass~

next week will be my week 3 study..and I must study well..
don't ever try to prove to others that you are good..
you don't need to prove anything..just do your best for yourself.. and its enough..

take care to myself..
and good luck

New starting

The very first week of this short semester..
I am quite satisfy with my result from last sem as I can see my own improvement..
However, needed more hard work to be better..

Taking four subjects in this short semester..utilizing my full credit hours offered in this semester..
those subjects are : French, Financial Accounting Framework 2, Financial Monetary System and also Financial Market and Regulations..

Considered for quite a long time and I made this decision.actually its not that tough as I previously thought as FMR and FMS quite similiar and having the same basis as I learnt in other subjects before..hence I believed it won't be a big problem for me to proceed. then French is another new subject for me and I am quite interested with this language learning..instead of choosing Japanese I chose this French, as I am not so into the Japanese.so so so excited as later I am gonna attend my first class for French..hoping it will become a whole new experience for me with this subject.
the most made me headache subject is the FAF2..lol..I hated so much accounting subjects and I am totally blank with those accounting knowledge..never have a basic on accounting and sad to say that for both FAF1&2 I failed and repeated again..dam it!!however, the second time taking this subject made me have a better and clearer understanding on it, and till now its a good starting for me..previous memories on the accounting knowledge are still fresh in my mind, and more exercise makes perfect.

Yesterday attended a talk offered by professor invited over from Korea..it's about 22 rules to success and it was really a fantastic talk..the humour of professor made the lecture class alive while he brings out quite a lot of messages throughout his humour..
He is actually quite good in looking..a standard matured and educated man..and behind his success, you can't imagine what he has been gone through before this..he said :

In our 20's, success does not belongs to us in this age.We must fail again and again, keep facing failures and that will made us a stronger person to face the following challenges in our life. Eventually after the continuous failure, we will be on the road of success.

Other than depending on ourself, the diligence and determination of us, you will still be keep failing and failing..and he is lucky enough to meet with a person named Chris and a chance that change his whole life..is quite an interesting life story of him and I am really impressed with his persistance to gain success.Even being a professor, he tried to commit suicide before his success. I do understand well the feeling of him the moment he tried to end his life before, as I am also having the same thinking as him. But because of Chris he see the chance and opportunity that is awaiting him,and he know he must step out his first step in order to change his life..and he did it..

I am glad too as I had the chance to get to know a group of new friends during my break in KL..and they do gives me new hopes and a target to keep living...sometimes when thing goes bad and you feel despaired, do not give up easily as it might lead you to another point of living with new hopes arising..I know, its some kind of self-couraging and I don't believed in that too previously.at the edge of giving up myself, everything was nothing at all and even there are sunshine out there, what you can only see is the cloudy stormy sky. But thanks to those who gives up on you and left you, they lead you to a better life..after the crying the shouting and all the crazy things you did, eventually you will wake up and aware of , that they are not worth for you to do all these and give up because of them.

Failure means nothing as it makes you stronger.
Injuries made you feel the pain and you learnt a lesson from it.
Without the pain, you can't see clearly and keep living in the dreams.

Time to wake up and brace ourself up for a new starting..
recently I am so in love in attending those talk as it inspire me a lot and I gain faiths from it..
Even though I am still a pessimistic person but at least now I am willing to think positively to overcome all these.

Thanks for the cruelty and the forsaken of you, I lived a better life now.
wishing all the best to me in this new starting.Good luck :)

给爸爸的一封信

亲爱的爸爸：

这是您22岁女儿写给您的一封信。
其实我真的有很多话想跟你说，但每每我兴致蓬勃地开口那刻，您总是向我泼来了冰凉的冷水浇灭我的那股热诚
并不是我不跟你说话沟通，而是你不肯拿出那颗聆听的心...
打从我上大学开学，我真的成熟了很多，也许我表面上疯癫不认真，总被您说是个长不大的孩子
但你却不能明白看穿我疯癫背后心底那隐藏的沉重

人们总说，独生女很好，享有着父母唯一的疼爱，被呵护的如掌上明珠似的，任由你呼风唤雨就算要摘下天上的月亮也没问题...但我想说，独生女一点儿也不好，尤其是穷苦人家的独生女..
不是我嫌弃这个家，反之我很感激你们把我抚养成长供书教学，今天的我没有你们也就不存在是这世上..
我承认，自己有些现实..有时候心底在想，怎么我这个独生女比别的孩子不幸福..自不自由是另一回事，但我会去比较、较量，我会埋怨怎么别的孩子有的我都没有，某某物质享受，稍微奢侈的消费我统统被禁止..从中学开始看着朋友们谈论的世界里我的融不入，我会自卑、难过...心底暗自发誓，我要用功努力，把一切我所没有的都争取回来..其实，有时候我真的很累很累，为什么别人的父母能给与的你都给不了我，还要靠我自己把那些得到手..

中学时期，我要求你赞助手机给我，被你狠狠骂了一顿，说什么：你现在生意做很大吗？要什么电话？浪费钱浪费时间，跟我好好读书别说那么多..我哀求了很久，最后还是没结果..其实那时的我不贪心，便宜一架手机，只要能跟朋友聊天信息就好，但你不给，算了..用妈妈的号码跟心仪对象联系，结果还未萌芽的爱恋就被无端斩断破坏掉..我没说什么..随着科技发达，手机的款式越多越新，拍照啦，3G啦，音乐啦，我转而哀求妈妈买我一架，也被拒绝了：我们不是有钱人，随便用一架普通电话就好，她还答应考试成绩好的话就送我一架奖励我..
那是青少年的世界，你们不懂...发觉自己跟周遭的人格格不入，而我的自卑感更严重..别人谈论出街逛，新潮打扮，热门话题我统统不懂，因为你们为我筑起了厚厚的保护层，把我与外界隔离..中学时期，我根本没机会跟朋友出门闲逛，就算周末也如此。曾偷偷地跟朋友旷课跑到时代广场走走，当时的我身份证还被妈妈保存着怕我遗失，所以我是无证件出门的，那是我第一次跟朋友搭巴士出门，很兴奋..

手机与电脑这些科技，到了我中六才出现在我生活..而那电话还是我自己中五放假打工赚回来自己买的，我还记得那是一架Sony Ericson 价值RM800+...SPM成绩出了，我考了个6A5B，妈妈无动于衷，于是我只好以自己的储蓄买了它，还是在反对声之下买的..对你，我没说实话，只说是阿姨便宜卖给我的二手机，反正你也对这些科技不了解，算了...要被你知道我花了那么多钱买架电话不被打死才怪...结果，我的第一架手机在乘火车上班途中被扒走了，那时才明白，手机还是别买贵的好。但，我依旧不吸取教训，迎来了我人生第二部手机，Nokia 5800，几年前花了我RM1300，还好能用到现在，虽然偶尔有些毛病问题出现..对于手机被扒这件事我没告诉你，你也一直以为那是我唯一一架电话，价值不到500块的那种..

很多时候，是你的固执与不讲理把我们之间的距离拉得越远。我尝试分享沟通，但被骂了泼了冷水几回后，我也不想说了..曾经好几次我在你们面前崩溃哭泣甚至呐喊，只因为你们的过分保护让我很沉重，重的我快喘不过气来..上了中六日子好过些，至少家里有架电脑陪伴，我也爱上了博客，因为家里根本没人能跟我好好谈谈，动不动就打打骂骂的，我厌倦..有段时期你参了外边的损友，日日夜归，赌博喝酒中国女人统统都来，妈妈守在客厅等你醉醺醺归来，她无助哭泣，我不懂该怎么安慰，只是更恨你..心底想，为什么你可以这样，我却不能？公平吗?不要说夜街，就连平日跟朋友出门都不能，你自己呢？那时的我只想逃离这个家，令人厌烦的家。我讨厌争吵，我讨厌呐喊，我讨厌!!!其实我也是在担心你，我怕你酒后驾车危险，我怕你夜归危险，我怕万一你有事我会很彷徨无助..那时我才体会到，其实你们跟我的心情是一样的..我明白，我真的明白，但也请你们为我想想，你们不可能一辈子照顾我、保护我啊，要是有那么一天你们两都离我而去，剩我一个人的时候我该怎么办?我真的很害怕，所以我想逃，我不想去想、不敢去想、去面对...

上了大学，我以为自己自由了..我兴奋，开心，雀跃..跟朋友们生活一起是我没尝试过的。
放纵地活着，开心着玩乐，我恨不得不要假期回家，大家一起到处旅行去...2年这样的生活，我的学业最后却惨不忍睹，某一天乘火车回家，到了车站等你们接我，步出火车那刻瞥见那瘦弱的背影在黑夜里等着我，忽然我很想哭，我知道，那一刻我长大了..过往的一切统统涌入我脑海，其实你是为我好，我真的知道~~我只是不忿，是不甘

是否我太幸福了，幸福得我察觉不到那幸福。有些惭愧，你们辛苦供养我，我却在外头挥霍享乐，留下你们两老独守在家里。曾经，我以为朋友和自由是我要的，但那一次我上火车回宿舍的那天，望着火车外送行的你们，我哭了。去年的事，也让我看得更清楚，其实，家是最温暖的。跟朋友们闹翻了，我忍受够了，被他们独自撇下后我失控痛哭，打电话回家告诉妈妈我要回来，听着她着急的口吻，我的眼泪更加止不住...世界上最疼我的人，始终是父母..一路上在巴士里痛哭，我告诉自己，徐惠敏，你真的很失败!!!别人把你当草，你却把他们当宝，父母的关心也不懂珍惜。

其实，爸爸你的关心有时是沉默，我终于懂了。那是一种说不出口的爱，不会表达的爱，我真的懂..
但最近我回来，我们又有些争执了。认识了一班新朋友，其实我真的很喜欢他们
你却害怕我受骗，是的我承认几日的夜归是我不对，但至少我是在11PM最迟12点就回到了
你发脾气说我长大了，翅膀硬了会飞了就不要再回来!!你说，那些猪朋狗友是有企图的，你说我不听话，要买副棺材等我出事了进棺材了才懂!!其实，你只是关心担心，却用错了方法，听了你那些话就算我明白你又如何，我也会不爽也会不甘不忿，于是争执开始了...爸爸，我已经22岁了，在外地念书我还不是一个人生活，甚至还试过在外头溜达整夜不回家哪。当然，不能让你知..我真的长大了，请相信我好吗？

不是我自夸，其实我看人还蛮准的，什么个性什么企图我统统都懂，只是在于，只要没踩到我底线，我就能容忍。就如之前闹翻的朋友般，是我受够了才离开的。你真的不用怕我受骗，在我第一次跟新朋友出门，从他的语气探问，我就察觉到其实事情并不如我想象中简单，我自然也会提防小心...当然最后不是什么坏事，也感谢能有这个机会认识到他们，带给了我新的希望...谢谢他们的包容与照顾，所以请别把外人都当仇人，貌似每个人接近我都有企图似的，我不是千金亿万，也没美貌，真的不用担心别人会害我啦...

就算，当你说的是对的，我被骗了，那也是我选择我要走的路，后果就让我自己承担吧。每个人都必须为自己的行为负上责任，就当做是个教训，这样我才能学习、成长啊!!!你把我小心翼翼的呵护着保护着，就像温室里的小花不堪一击，到时我怎么出来社会生存呢？说真的，其实大家都一样是现实的，新朋友也一样，我相信世界上没有人会不计回报的为个陌生人付出，但至少我在他们身上学到了不少，也很谢谢他们让我看清这个社会，让我学会融入社会。其实我真的很傻很单纯，我真的以为会遇到愿意为你不顾一切的人，其实那都是假象。从来我都习惯为别人着想，但不是每个人都会以同样的方式对你。

对这个社会真的很失望很灰心，但我却无能改变这一切，所以融入是最好的方法。
所以，亲爱的爸爸，别看我傻傻的外表里我就是真的那么傻，其实我也有自己的想法
我会去思考，所以我明白你的苦心，但有时却很反感，你怎么不相信我，放手让我过我的生活吧
这么多年了，纵然我叛逆不甘却也屈服在你手下，因为我依旧在乎你，不想我们的关系恶化
我发脾气生气难过悲愤失望，但最后却也妥协。退让了那么多年，什么时候轮到你让一让我呢？
22年了，我活在你的保护下22年了，可否放手让我走自己的路，让我尝试跌倒再爬起来继续
这是我的人生，我要走的路，你不可能一辈子陪我走下去，我相信只要你肯，我就可以。

其实，我也爱这个家。但请别让我背负如此沉重的担子，我既要顾忌你们的感受，对独生女的未来也很彷徨无助，谁来为我想想呢？我真的需要喘一口气，轻松地走我要走的路
我明白你的苦心，所以也希望你能为我想想，体谅我，好吗？

宝贝女儿
惠敏  上
2012年10月15日